Tug of war August 15, 1985

 

 She loves me; she loves me not.

This is the kind of stuff I’m getting from Safire these days, still telling me she loves me while still making plans to eventually end up with her husband.

I feel guilty all the time.

Her husband has given her a deadline to come to Baltimore, Sept. 23. A bad number according to Pauly who has this thing about the number 23. Route 23 is dangerous. Route 46 is worse because it’s 23 times 2.

Safire wants a commitment from me and I’m deliberately putting distance between us, drawing fire from her.

She claims I’m playing her off against Mary Jane. This is not exactly true, yet just close enough to make me nervous.

I play for time, not her against Mary Jane.

I got involved with Safire because I thought she was safe, assuming she would go away eventually with her husband.

While I feel deeply about her, I do not love her.

Sometimes I’m just the typical male, a bumbling fool, caught up with her sexuality without being sensitive to her as a person.

In that way I’m being cold, even manipulative, safe behind a mask of caring, when perhaps I’m really a spoiled child, who will ultimately end up hurting Safire, and myself.

Mary Jane is a problem. She is jealous of Safire and is just vindictive enough to derail my relationship with her.

I’m incidental. Mary Jane wants to be with me only because Safire is. Therefore, Mary Jane has to have me, too.

Most of this started when I relocated into the same Fotomat booth with Safire.

Mary Jane started showing up both at the booth and at my home, frequently, extremely suggestive if not yet aggressive.

I also made the mistake of mentioning my suspicions to Safire, from whom Mary Jane has already stolen a number of her male friends – including Safire’s husband.

For a long time, Mary Jane showed up wherever those two happened to be, injecting herself into their conversations, welcome or not.

When Safire took up a lover, Mary Jane did exactly the same thing, making it clear to that man that she was available.

More than once, Safire would go off to the rest room only to come back and find Mary Jane arranging a date.

Now, Mary Jane repeats this all with me.

I almost want to send Safire away so I can get back to a simple life of being lonely and horny, without all of the complex social baggage of lust and revenge.

Someone is going to get hurt, and selfishly, I’m worried it will ultimately be me.

 

 

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