Seeking a life of passion August 6, 1985

 


It’s hard to tell at what point Mary Ann realized her mistake – before or after Christmas Day in 81 when she finally picked Johnny.

Her life since has been a lot of “I should haves” if not consciously, then deeper inside herself where something snapped inside her like an overwound rubber band.

In the weeks following her breakup with Danny, she got nasty, especially at Johnny who she claimed she had helped “rise from the dead.”

Johnny in this light seemed like an unfortunate victim, who ought to be grateful for all Mary Ann had done for him in getting released. She expected him to change overnight.

Unfortunately, he did what most junkies do when they get released, he went back to his old habits.

He had never stopped using heroin even in jail, spoiling some of the illusions Mary Ann maintained about him, yet she refused to give up on him, partly because so many of her close friends and family warned against him. She became more determined to save him, partly out of spite – she would have her romantic interlude even if it killed her.

But ultimately, she felt cheated.  Johnny didn’t turn out as she had expected, making the same mistake Norman Mailer and other liberals made when assuming people like Johnny were victims of an unfair social justice system, rather than of their own poor choices.

Johnny isn’t exactly a wolf in sheep’s clothing, yet he’s not what he pretends to be either. He played the role of victim because it got him what he most wanted.,

He knew how to bat his eyes and bring down tears, and so when he told Mary Ann he was sorry, she believed him – again. But Johnny knew what he was doing and how he got over on her, even convincing her to bring him marijuana when he was still in jail – once even bringing him the heroin he really craved. Either offense, had she been caught, would have ruined her legal career.

His asking this of her was outrageous; her complying with the request pure stupidity – stupidity born out of a delusion of romantic love.

After his release, heroin became a romantic rival, something she needed to defeat or lose her romantic dream entirely.

She got furious in her determination to make the dream become real, by molding the clearly imperfect Johnny into something he was not and could never be expect as a cover for some manipulation of his own.

The whole gambit got more complicated when Danny came into her life, someone she ought to have taken up with, but someone who did not need her in the same way Johnny did, and so she rejected him, reversing reality, mistaking Johnny as real and Danny as the fantasy, when the opposite was true.

Danny was in fact more than romantic hero Mary Ann so desperately wanted Johnny to be, brining her candy and flowers, helping her write her poems and stories. He was a rough, tough kid from a conservative city but with just a touch of tenderness.

But Mary Ann had seen his kind before and had always avoided them, or used them, never taking them serious as a potential life mate. She would tease herself with such possibilities, then eventually reject them.

So, her decision that Christmas 81 posed a choice for her, to follow her heart and go with Johnny or to recognized Danny as the more logical choice.

Yet either way she chose, she would have lost. She would have felt as guilty or more about deciding against Johnny as she feels now about rejecting Danny.

She would have blamed herself for Johnny’s return to heroin; just as she blames herself now for how Danny collapsed emotionally when she rejected him.

She chose Johnny partly because she refused to admit to her friends and family that they might have been right about Johnny and his junk in the first place. But she may also have selected Johnny as a way of punishing herself  for years of living carefree as part of the jet set, and at age 30, needed to find a purpose in her life other than self-gratification. I think she feared she would turn out like her parents did, and refused to live the mundane life Danny offered her by being his wife.

She wanted a life of passion and believed Johnny would give that to her.

 

 

 1985 Menu

 


email to Al Sullivan

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An old nemesis December 11, 1985

Image
    Surisky hated me from early on in grammar school, although “hate” may be too strong a word to describe his reaction to me. I was simply available to him for abuse, Third grade was pivotal for both of us. Prior to that, we were simply feeling our way through Catholic School routine, emerging eventually as whole personalities from the muck of early childhood. He came across as a thug, trying to convey the image of a tough guy. He wore a leather jacket and spiked boots, and snuck into see James Dean movies. Third grade was tough on everybody, including the teachers, who considered us the worst class in the history of the school – even in the safe grades of Kindergarten, First and Second. Two of the three nuns retired after passing us on. But it was in the third grade that we began to work our magic, driving even the stout-hearted nuns crazy. Later, the nuns tried to break our spirit. But we fully represented our age and had the full impact of the 1960s behind us. So,
Read more

Pauly leaves Passaic for the final time July 24, 1985

Image
    Pauly is leaving Passaic again. This comes after two years of us rubbing shoulders after he had been cast out of paradise in Towaco, after his goddess, Jane, went and married that man Pauly calls “a bum.” This has been a tough two years, filled with Pauly’s typical manipulation, his usual shaping of reality to his own needs often at other people’s (mine) expense. When Pauly first came I had Fran’s cultist brother as a temporary guest and Pauly spent most of his time trying to push me into getting that guest out. A few months later – in November – Fran got the ax from her ex and changed her mind about moving in with me after I had committed the spare room to Pauly. He assumed she meant more to me than he did and was already packing when I told Fran no. She had no place to go except for her father’s house, a father she had a love/hate relationship with, and she held it against me, even though we continued to see each other romantically. Pauly being Pauly drove me out of
Read more

The clock is ticking July 18, 1985

Image
  We’re talking love here – silly fictional love with all the connotations of disaster. I seem to be on the meat chopping block with Safire looking for qualities in me that are lacking in her husband. The fact that there is a husband in the first place greatly disturbs me. All this said, I’m uncertain as to why I haven’t ended this already, except to know she is too much like my ex-wife to pass up without a closer examination. Even the way she thinks: slow, methodical, going from point A to point B. It has only been a week since she blurted out drunk that she wanted me in bed. It seems like much longer. And she hints of something more permanent, suggesting that I might fill in for her husband for a much longer duration. The night before last she suggested I come see her in her trailer, as if she is legally separated from her husband, when in fact she is supposed to be biding time until he finds them both a place to live in Baltimore. This is the same kind of smoke and mir
Read more