Affected August 11, 1985

 

So, we’re back to Safire again. Not that it ever stopped.

I see her and feel guilty at seeing her, understanding all too well the other side of the coin.

Pauly, through the Tarot readings he gives me, that I give Safire’s husband power; he would go away if I allowed him to.

I have always been haunted by such people, going all the way back to Louise, and her rich kid lover, Tim Adams, in Colorado, and later, Suzanne’s ex, Bob, and still later, Fran’s not-so-ex-boyfriend, Bill, the gentlemen ghosts lingering just outside the door, waiting for any excuse to come back in, ghosts of these women’s past, who haunt me more than them.

With Safire its worse since she suggests her husband will resort to suicide if she does not go back to him, his way of keeping ahold of her, the way I once tried back in LA when I could not keep Louise from taking jobs in the porn industry.

Only I never meant it, for me it was always a ploy, not so with Safire’s husband – at least, I think.

Louise believed it long enough to wait until I was almost back on my feet before she took off for Moscow and stayed there until I got a court order that allowed me to see my kid before she took off back to Portland, 3000 miles away.

Safire believes wholeheartedly that her husband will do himself in, forcing me to accept it, too, since violence has been a significant part of both their lives – although it is the pattern that bothers me most, this repeating over and over the same mistake only with different women, of having other men in the wings of each relationship I have, and how, for some reason, I fit the mold of men these women want – Safire is attracted to me partly because in some ways I resemble her husband.

Perhaps this is true of every relationship, me filling in a gap in their lives by looking, sounding or acting like the men they no longer want or need, and so ultimately come to a point where these women no longer want or need me for the same reasons.

This leads to greater doubts, since Safire frequently talks about her husband’s inability to touch or treat her tenderly. She blames it on his alcohol use. But I suspect it is more than that. And all this scares me, making me wonder if I am so much like him will my future end up the same way with Safire. Or am I a mirror for what each woman wants, since I did not have that problem with Fran, who was intensely sexual, so much so she could not get all she needed from one man, just as Louise could not, maybe even Suzanne. This idea leads to other insecurities I’m too terrified to probe too deeply.

 

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