The clock is ticking July 18, 1985
We’re talking love here – silly fictional love with all the
connotations of disaster.
I seem to be on the meat chopping block with Safire looking
for qualities in me that are lacking in her husband.
The fact that there is a husband in the first place greatly
disturbs me.
All this said, I’m uncertain as to why I haven’t ended this
already, except to know she is too much like my ex-wife to pass up without a
closer examination.
Even the way she thinks: slow, methodical, going from point
A to point B.
It has only been a week since she blurted out drunk that she
wanted me in bed. It seems like much longer. And she hints of something more
permanent, suggesting that I might fill in for her husband for a much longer
duration. The night before last she suggested I come see her in her trailer, as
if she is legally separated from her husband, when in fact she is supposed to
be biding time until he finds them both a place to live in Baltimore.
This is the same kind of smoke and mirrors I sometimes get
when dealing with my ex-wife, a detached reality she expresses when she sees
something she wants and pretends like she already has it.
Safire like Louise seems to be making her decisions about
the future about what she wishes rather than what is, about what she thinks I
out to do, rather than what I’ve committed myself to.
The principal delusion is that she somehow believes her
husband will give her up without a fight.
And this could leave us both in deep, deep trouble. She
wants a white knight, a role I have declined to accept not just with her both
with others, even though I’m intensely attracted to those women who need a
savior. She doesn’t recognize the line where kindness ends, clinging to a hope
that does not really exist.
This gives me a bit more insight into why my ex-wife keeps
jumping from man to man, and perhaps explains some of the drama Suzanne went
through when she dumped her boyfriend at college to take up with me, and later
tried to jump first to Pauly, and when he wouldn’t have her to Garrick, and
maybe even Hank.
Fran differed in that she refused to give up her previous
lover and desperately tried to balance having both of us at the same time,
going from one to the other and back again, somehow getting what she needed
from having both of us in her life.
Again, Louise (my ex) and Safire seem to mirror each other,
which says something about me and how I am attracted to and attract the same
kind of women. Their common history bespeaks this pattern in me, my need for
damaged women, women who struggled to escape base lives and needed me to help
them, when somewhere deep inside of me, I somehow am attracted to that base
aspect of their lives.
Maybe this plays into my fear of permanent attachment –
which Safire clearly wants, no one night stand or backdoor man, but a future
husband.
The clock is ticking. Her husband is building a new life for
her and will soon expect her to take part in it, and she seems to be waiting
for me to make my move, so she won’t have to.
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