Do you want your mall back? July 6, 1985

 

Dear Mr. Crann:

This is to let you know that your mall has been repossessed due to now payment.

I know this sounds like blackmail, but if you ever want to see it again, you will turn over two hundred million dollars in unmarked bills or your first-born son (whichever is more convenient) to us by midnight on Halloween of this same year. Then, and only thing will we (Mall Rats Inc.) return your mall.

Of course, in the case that you might not want it back, then maybe you’d better pay us to keep it. Hell, Mall Rats Inc. could run the place a lot better than it is being run now. Or at least more honestly.

Will the real mall manage please stand up?

Not you, Bob (the floor manager).

Don’t tell me you really run the mall. We all know that’s impossible. So, what if you have two houses, two expensive cars and a thriving coffee shop in Downtown, Paterson. Who on earth would actually let you run a mall?

I said, sit down!

Now, Mr. Crann, maybe you have a trade in mind? One dried up old Houston oil well for one dried up useless mall? Don’t try it. We’re only interested in peanut oil these days.  Good ole Jimmy is running for president again in 88 and we figure to help him out as much as possible. Yes, we know you can’t run your car on peanut oil. But you can’t eat crude oil either, and that’s a fact.

We want you to know we will not be returning your mall in perfect condition. We did get a bit riled when the mall guards resisted. We currently have them tied up in the center court, fishing out coins from the pond with string and chewing gum. The proceeds will go to our favorite charity for the repair of dilapidated video game machines. The new mall manager is tied to the Dunkin Donuts gate so that the nutty baker has something to use as a dart board. Likewise, the assistant mall manager is tied to the bagel shop door, forced to eat stale donuts until he gives up the key to the game room.

As for physical damage, we’ve altered the offices slightly, installing barbells and a steam room, and turning the guard room into a den of inequity. (if you don’t know what that is, call your friend in the donut shop so he can explain it to you.) You’ll have to supply your own women.

The most drastic change concerns the Burger King. The lower section looked so much like a swimming pool, we simply converted it into one, although high dives from the upper section with or without a whopper are expressly forbidden.

Mr. Yacenda, the mall owner, had some objections. But we simply provided him access to the den of inequity and he calmed right down. Rumor has it he – in an inebriated condition – proposed to one of ladies. But we mall rats have ethics and refused to allow that ancient scum bag to marry Gabe’s sister.

Well, Mr. Crann. Think over the offer. There are some around in the night crew who see our changes as a real improvement. If you wait too long, you might find that they won’t want to go back to the same old routine. Some already think they can’t live without the Burger King pool or the miniature golf course currently occupying the second floor and most of the roof.

 

Your Pal

Al

 

 1985 Menu


email to Al Sullivan

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An old nemesis December 11, 1985

Image
    Surisky hated me from early on in grammar school, although “hate” may be too strong a word to describe his reaction to me. I was simply available to him for abuse, Third grade was pivotal for both of us. Prior to that, we were simply feeling our way through Catholic School routine, emerging eventually as whole personalities from the muck of early childhood. He came across as a thug, trying to convey the image of a tough guy. He wore a leather jacket and spiked boots, and snuck into see James Dean movies. Third grade was tough on everybody, including the teachers, who considered us the worst class in the history of the school – even in the safe grades of Kindergarten, First and Second. Two of the three nuns retired after passing us on. But it was in the third grade that we began to work our magic, driving even the stout-hearted nuns crazy. Later, the nuns tried to break our spirit. But we fully represented our age and had the full impact of the 1960s behin...
Read more

The clock is ticking July 18, 1985

Image
  We’re talking love here – silly fictional love with all the connotations of disaster. I seem to be on the meat chopping block with Safire looking for qualities in me that are lacking in her husband. The fact that there is a husband in the first place greatly disturbs me. All this said, I’m uncertain as to why I haven’t ended this already, except to know she is too much like my ex-wife to pass up without a closer examination. Even the way she thinks: slow, methodical, going from point A to point B. It has only been a week since she blurted out drunk that she wanted me in bed. It seems like much longer. And she hints of something more permanent, suggesting that I might fill in for her husband for a much longer duration. The night before last she suggested I come see her in her trailer, as if she is legally separated from her husband, when in fact she is supposed to be biding time until he finds them both a place to live in Baltimore. This is the same kind of smoke and...
Read more

Pauly leaves Passaic for the final time July 24, 1985

Image
    Pauly is leaving Passaic again. This comes after two years of us rubbing shoulders after he had been cast out of paradise in Towaco, after his goddess, Jane, went and married that man Pauly calls “a bum.” This has been a tough two years, filled with Pauly’s typical manipulation, his usual shaping of reality to his own needs often at other people’s (mine) expense. When Pauly first came I had Fran’s cultist brother as a temporary guest and Pauly spent most of his time trying to push me into getting that guest out. A few months later – in November – Fran got the ax from her ex and changed her mind about moving in with me after I had committed the spare room to Pauly. He assumed she meant more to me than he did and was already packing when I told Fran no. She had no place to go except for her father’s house, a father she had a love/hate relationship with, and she held it against me, even though we continued to see each other romantically. Pauly being Pauly drove ...
Read more