Love trouble April 12, 1985
Pauly knows he’s making a mistake.
But the hole in his heart is so vast, he’ll do anything to
try and fill it.
I’d do as much myself in his place, desperate to rid myself
of the pain, leaping into new situations that I hope will make things better,
but ultimately know they will make things worse.
But who’s pain are we talking about?
Pauly is not always a nice man, or considerate of other
people’s feelings. He often only considers himself and his own feelings –
natural for all of us, who have been through similar situations, and yet seems
childish in someone we all assumed as being more mature than the rest of us.
He blames Jessica for deciding against him, deciding for
someone other than him, calling her “The bitch!”
Yesterday, he complained about her showing up at the Fotomat
booth to get her check and left without a word. (Chrystal claims he manipulated
the situation by having the check go to the store in Garfield, so she had to go
there for it – although I suspect this is just rumor since Pauly has no say as
to where checks go, and this turned out to be an unfortunate coincidence.)
Jessica is angry at Pauly, however, claiming he has attempted
to get between her and her boyfriend – no rumor, fact, Pauly is doing exactly
that.
But she’s not so angry as to shut the door completely on
Pauly, keeping communications open, telling him she would still like to see
him, still be friends, maybe even go dancing.
They had a date (sort of) scheduled for Friday, Pauly
joining in with a group headed to a club to dance.
“She told me her boyfriend might show up,” Pauly grumbled to
me two days ago. “She wants me to pretend that there’s nothing going on between
us.”
Was this some kind of test? Was Jessica playing a strange
game as Pauly suggests?
I like to think her more innocent than all that, just a young
woman searching for answers in an otherwise confusing world. Although I tend to
take Pauly’s side, I have to admit Jessica faces a lot of changes all at once.
She is set to graduate shortly, and her parents have recently sold their house,
leaving her to fend for herself. And then, there is Pauly, charging into her
life six weeks ago, and expecting her to jump into his life – promising only
more insecurity.
She knows what to expect with her boyfriend.
Pauly claims its about the things she gets, free tires, free
auto repairs, and loans of cash when she needs it.
Yet it’s more than that. Maybe he is the clown Pauly makes
him out to be, but he’s Jessica’s clown. She knows his moods, and how he will
react in a crisis.
By moving in with Pauly, she hopes it will work, that it won’t
leave her homeless if it does not, with love, without a future.
I’m not saying she’s innocent. She manipulates as well as Pauly
does, trying to keep hold of the best of two worlds, keeping Pauly quietly in
the closet while she gets to be with him, while finding real security elsewhere
– perhaps with her boyfriend.
In the meantime, Pauly aches. Most of the pain comes from
that inner part of him that strikes me as child-like. He seems to have lost
control, a condition he’s not had to deal with before the way I have, Hank has,
Garrick. We have never seen Pauly like this, jumping to the wrong conclusions, making
the wrong choices.
“Two can play at that game,” he told me at one point, when
he made a telephone call to another woman, Jeanette, hoping to make Jessica
jealous.
I know Jeanette. She is the same whacko that claimed Pauly
sent her secret messages through her daughter to her a few months back, a crisis
Pauly seems to have forgotten, needs to forget, rushing headlong into a new
disaster in a desperate attempt to get the affection he can’t get from Jessica.
I’m scared for him, for that moment when he wakes up from
this fantasy and realizes Jeanette means business, when she has wrapped her
tentacles around him in such a way that he can’t escape.
I’m not saying Jeanette is a bad person. She’s simply
looking for commitment Pauly is unwilling or unable to make.
I can’t see him inviting her into his world the way he has
with Jessica, his world being his room full of paint and paintings, and solidary
habits, more comfortable with himself, his TV and his privacy than with any
person.
Maybe his connection to these women has changed him
fundamentally, but I doubt it. One day Pauly will wake up and crave solitude
again, and this will crush Jeanette, and will push Jessica into the arms of
another man, if not her current boyfriend, then someone like him, leaving Pauly
alone – perhaps forever.
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